Heaven – The Almighty issued a press release today revealing His next inexplicable human tragedy would occur a few days prior to this year’s Oscar telecast to take advantage of Hollywood’s star power. “I was watching the Golden Globes with St. Peter and he mentioned how he wanted George Clooney to play him in the movie, and I told him more like George Segal, and he said 'I thought he was dead,' and we were laughing our asses off until Mother Theresa told us to pipe down because Robert DeNiro was actually being coherent. Then it hit me like a thunderbolt. Why not kill two birds with one stone? They’ve been slammin’ it in Haiti, so I might as well hit Somalia while everybody’s in town.”
The Lord refused to name the specific calamity He had in mind for the beleaguered east African nation, but He promised it would be a doozy in spite of the country’s many other problems.
“It’s pretty tough to top Haiti, so I need a sure-fire hit. Plus I figure on coasting a little until my big finish in 2012.” No word on which film God will allow to win best picture, but like everyone else, He was disappointed in Nine. “How can you screw up with Daniel Day Lewis? I mean, Holy shit!”
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