It all began one weekend at a retreat held at McCain's Arizona Ranch when the four prominent Republicans sat down together to come up with their own partisan solution to the Iranian political unrest. “We had a case of Peppermint Schnapps and there was an A-Team Marathon on Spike Television that night,” claimed Sarah Palin in a telephone interview. “A few shots in and a few episodes later, we were convinced that this had to be the right thing to do.”
Michael Steele explained the frustration that pushed him to leave his chair in the Republican National Committee for the streets of Tehran. “I have a great deal of pity for the foolishness of our Executive branch in it's...wait, wait, lemmie do that one again.” said the former Governor, clad in gold chains and feather clips. “What I meant to say is that I realized that all this Jibber Jabber ain't what my momma would want from me! If you find yourself a fool that's hurtin' innocent peoples, then you've gotta put a hurtin right back on that fool!” As he walked away he added, “This situation is bad, real bad!”
After the team managed to escape the country with a huge arsenal of weapons, President Obama issued orders to capture the renegade Republicans at any cost. “We recently had them in our sights,” Obama announced during his last press conference. “ Thousands of rounds of heavy fire were exchanged, and many of our vehicles were destroyed in the engagement—and although they did manage to escape and cause about thirty million dollars of damage in the process, I am pleased to announce that none of our soldiers were harmed. Not a single one, as a matter of fact. Well, one guy hurt his neck and somebody else got scratched up by broken glass, but at any rate, I'll get those lawless renegades if its the last thing I do!”
The Bunyon was lucky enough to contact the team via short-wave radio for a brief interview with group leader, Rush Limbaugh. “I think it's true that I speak for all Republicans when I say that America should be balls deep in every international crisis, every land skirmish or family feud around the world, or else we risk sinking directly into the pit of Socialism. Our plan is to spread Democracy everywhere,” he stated. “We're just making sure that the plan comes together, even if that means we have to blow everything up in the process.”
Isolated reports from all over Iran have come in via Twitter and Myspace, praising the successes of these Soldiers of Fortune. According to one unverified account, the team was able to take down a row of Iranian Revolutionary Guard tanks with only some metal shelving, a golf umbrella and some surgical tubing. “I don't know how they did it”, one eyewitness reported. “They started welding and tying things together, music started playing out of nowhere. It was very strange. But the next thing you know, the tanks were in ruins, the guards were all limping away and all the people in the street were unharmed, cheering and waving American flags.”
Al Jazeera interviewed a young boy who witnessed the team in action. “We were playing in the road and one of the IRG fired at us and blew up my soccer ball,” the boy explained. “Just then, this American woman sporting five hundred dollar Kawasaki frames and toting a mini-gun under her arm appeared out of nowhere, shouting, 'Nobody messes with a soccer kid when this mom's around!' as she began shooting at the Guards, making them trip over themselves as they ran away.”
The news anchor concluded his report by informing the good people of the Middle East, “There you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the G.O.P.”
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