St. Paul, Minnesota – Duluth hockey player Brain Greenwood broke down in an interview Wednesday and admitted his toothless grin is the result of years of addiction to SweeTarts, Butterfingers and RC Cola, not repeated punches to the face from enraged, violent opponents.
“I’ve even been hit seven times in the face by pucks on errant shots,” Greenwood said. “Not one knocked out a tooth. It’s like being the guy with the smallest dick in the showers, or the only guy who can’t grow a mullet. It’s just not fair.”
Hockey players pride themselves on battle wounds received on the ice, Greenwood explained, and losing a tooth or two during a game opens the door to acceptance in the locker room and from fans. Loss of teeth from sugar and poor hygiene simply opens the door to ridicule and scorn and has recently forced Greenwood to become an outcast on his own team.
“I’ve tried picking fights with the biggest guys out on the ice but they always just end up giving me a black eye or breaking my nose again, or my jaw. I just can’t catch a break,” Greenwood said. “I even wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy asking for a little help but that bitch never wrote me back. I don’t know what I did to piss her off, eh?”
Greenwood started playing hockey at age 15 after losing his two front teeth while devouring a caramel apple. After that everyone just assumed he was a hockey player or grew up in West Virginia.
“People would ask what position I played, and I didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, so I’d usually say missionary,” Greenwood said. “After a few months of thinking I’d never fit in anywhere with missing teeth, I realized they were talking about hockey. So one day I beat the shit out of a kid down at the ice rink, stole his skates and stick and decided that hockey would be a natural fit for me.”
Greenwood excelled in the amateur ranks, skating around and beating the shit out of more and more hockey players, making up stories about the fierce battles on the ice that led to his rampant tooth loss. Then one day his dental records mysteriously appeared in the locker room and the humiliation began.
The hazing hasn’t ended since then, with Greenwood recently having to spend the weekend in jail after authorities found his duffel bag filled with a mysterious white powder. Lab tests proved the substance to be nothing but sugar planted by his prankster teammates.
“I couldn’t even get a tooth knocked out in jail,” Greenwood said. “Some guys in there said meth helps loosen teeth, so maybe I’ll try some of that if we make it to the finals.”
Teammates have also taken to hiding Greenwood’s false teeth, which leads to him having to explain his gnarly smile to drunken hockey groupies, groupies he used to have no problem scoring with on road trips. But his teammates are always there to make sure he tells the truth when half-conscious, large-breasted women ask about his snaggletooth smile.
“They usually hide my teeth along with my toothbrush and paste. It usually takes a few days to find them. It’s not so much the embarrassment except that I can't chew my meat. I love meat,” Greenwood said.
Greenwood added that with the playoffs starting, the hockey brawls are usually much more violent and consistent, sometimes not even having anything to do with the game. People just want to see a fight. He said he has stopped wearing a mouthpiece and knows he has a loose molar from munching on some old taffy he found in his locker.
“I’m pretty sure I’ll get a tooth knocked out against the Fargo Fist Fighters in the playoffs,” Greenwood said as he finished his third Butterfinger. “They’re not the nicest guys out on the ice. But even if I don’t, I guess it’s still better than having the smallest dick in the showers.”
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