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7:30:05 AM Thu, March 11th 2010
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- Politics
- 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Policy To Change Name To: 'Too Gay To Fail' - "We're trying to keep it current."
- Joe Biden Sneaks Past Security, Crashes State Dinner
- Six Year-Old Crawls Inside Meghan McCain, Floats Away
- Tough Questions Await New Mass. Senator
- Senators Closer To Health Care Package
- Bill Clinton Switches Party Affiliation; 'GOP Gettin’ All the Poon'
- Top GOP Members Take Matters Into Their Own Hands
- Palin Resigns, One-Ups Sanford in Battle of Bat-shit Crazy Republican Presidential Hopefuls
- Al Franken Takes On Role In The Real Senate World
- Congress Proposes Health Care Barter System
- Clinton's Homemade Penis Sculpture, Gift for Obama, A Huge Hit
- Obama Unveils Sweeping Plan To Make Our Sidewalks Safer
- Lord Of The Flies - The GOP Swats Back
- Secretary Gates to Obama: 'Thou Art Truth, Way, Light'
- Unemployment On The Rise - "Traffic Problem Solved," says Schwarzenegger
- Business
- Black Eyed Peas Song Single-Handedly Fixes Economy
- Journalist Fails To Mention Recession In Article
- Co-worker Masters The Art of Cleavage Peeking
- Pamela Anderson’s Boobs File for Divorce, Seek Custody of Vagina
- Economic Global Data Has Americans Hoping They Won't Get F@#ked Too Hard
- Local Theme Park Premieres New 'Water Board' Ride
- Science
- Terrorist Breaches iTunes End User License Agreement
- Zombie Madoff To Finish 150 Year Sentence
- Fans Illegally Pirate Music In Remembrance Of Jackson
- Facebook Invades Twitter; Ashton Kutcher Appointed ‘Special’ Envoy to Cyberspace
- Limbaugh Sweat May Be Vaccine For Swine Flu
- Text Message Colleges Now Enrolling
- World News
- Taliban Graduates Struggle To Seek Employment During Recession - 'This Ain't the 90s When Terrorists Were Making Bank!'
- Kanye West, "I Guess God Hates Poor, Black People, Especially Ones That Try An' Speak French."
- God Schedules Next Humanitarian Crisis for Week of Academy Awards
- African Boy Continues To Receive Rotten Food From 'Charity'
- Bill Clinton Frees Hot Asian American Prisoners; Seeks New Diplomatic Emissions
- Iranian Revolution Postponed Until Release of Michael Jackson’s Toxicology Report
- Mousavi Calls for Mortal Kombat Rematch
- Jesus Postpones Rapture Due To Recession Cutbacks
- Sports
- Hockey Player’s Tooth Loss Due to Love of Sweets, Not Brawls
- Jerry Jones Reveals Giant Remote Control
- Sarcastic Baseball Commentator Confuses Fans
- Ron Artest Eagerly Awaits First NBA Championship Riot
- Michael Vick Conditionally Reinstated By NFL
- Home Run Derby Not Nearly As Much Fun Without The Steroids
- LeBron James Refuses To Shake Hands With Brother-In-Law; Leads To Awkward 4th Of July BBQ
- Jim Leyritz To Cops 'Remember That Dinger I Hit?'
- Rafer Alston – Vows to Slap Heads In The Offseason
- Calipari Tells School Administration Not To Count Any Of His Future Wins As Permanent
- U.S. Sailing Team To Swiss: “It’s okay to cheat. We’re Americans”
- Local
- Man Questions Own Morality After Violating Five Second Rule
- Crazy Man on Street Not Ranting About God
- Local Band to Write Song About a Girl
- Erection Successfully Hidden During Walk To Front Of Classroom
- Japanese Kid Not That Good At Nintendo
- Woman’s Head Found, Attached To Body
- Man Betrays Bumper Sticker, Forgets 9/11
- Man Makes First Ever Donation With Coinstar
- Local Man Buys Teens Beer, Overstays Welcome
- Death of Celebrity Icons, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, Not Overshadowed By Lesser-Known Farmer
- Netflix User Rates Movie Five Stars Months Before Its Release
- Child Beauty Queen May Lose Crown Over Racy Baby Photos
- Cancer Patient Defies Doctor's Odds - Dies Two Months Before Due Date
- Entertainment
- Kevin Smith Forced to Purchase Two Tickets to Academy Awards Due to Obesity Concerns
- Ted Nugent Promotes Additions to Hunter’s Safety Orange
- Palin Dispatched to Switzerland; Polanski On Edge
- Taylor Swift Exacts Revenge on West
- Jackson Family Begins Legal Battle for Control of Walter Cronkite’s Estate
- Pope Gives Harry Potter Movie Two Papal Thumbs Up
- Autopsy Reveals Michael Jackson Hung Like a Moose; Coroner stunned by ‘Jackson 12’
- Spector's Prison Demands Include 8-Channel Mixing Board - Refers To Guard Dogs As 'Wall Of Hounds'
- Study Finds Dakota Fanning Isn’t Playing Her Role In Recession
- Transformers Sequel Gets All Emo On Us
- War on Terror Expanded to Include Horror; Eli Roth Arrested
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