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7:30:05 AM Thu, March 11th 2010
The Bunyon - Satire News
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Politics
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' Policy To Change Name To: 'Too Gay To Fail' - "We're trying to keep it current."
Joe Biden Sneaks Past Security, Crashes State Dinner
Six Year-Old Crawls Inside Meghan McCain, Floats Away
Tough Questions Await New Mass. Senator
Senators Closer To Health Care Package
Bill Clinton Switches Party Affiliation; 'GOP Gettin’ All the Poon'
Top GOP Members Take Matters Into Their Own Hands
Palin Resigns, One-Ups Sanford in Battle of Bat-shit Crazy Republican Presidential Hopefuls
Al Franken Takes On Role In The Real Senate World
Congress Proposes Health Care Barter System
Clinton's Homemade Penis Sculpture, Gift for Obama, A Huge Hit
Obama Unveils Sweeping Plan To Make Our Sidewalks Safer
Lord Of The Flies - The GOP Swats Back
Secretary Gates to Obama: 'Thou Art Truth, Way, Light'
Unemployment On The Rise - "Traffic Problem Solved," says Schwarzenegger
Business
Black Eyed Peas Song Single-Handedly Fixes Economy
Journalist Fails To Mention Recession In Article
Co-worker Masters The Art of Cleavage Peeking
Pamela Anderson’s Boobs File for Divorce, Seek Custody of Vagina
Economic Global Data Has Americans Hoping They Won't Get F@#ked Too Hard
Local Theme Park Premieres New 'Water Board' Ride
Science
Terrorist Breaches iTunes End User License Agreement
Zombie Madoff To Finish 150 Year Sentence
Fans Illegally Pirate Music In Remembrance Of Jackson
Facebook Invades Twitter; Ashton Kutcher Appointed ‘Special’ Envoy to Cyberspace
Limbaugh Sweat May Be Vaccine For Swine Flu
Text Message Colleges Now Enrolling
World News
Taliban Graduates Struggle To Seek Employment During Recession - 'This Ain't the 90s When Terrorists Were Making Bank!'
Kanye West, "I Guess God Hates Poor, Black People, Especially Ones That Try An' Speak French."
God Schedules Next Humanitarian Crisis for Week of Academy Awards
African Boy Continues To Receive Rotten Food From 'Charity'
Bill Clinton Frees Hot Asian American Prisoners; Seeks New Diplomatic Emissions
Iranian Revolution Postponed Until Release of Michael Jackson’s Toxicology Report
Mousavi Calls for Mortal Kombat Rematch
Jesus Postpones Rapture Due To Recession Cutbacks
Sports
Hockey Player’s Tooth Loss Due to Love of Sweets, Not Brawls
Jerry Jones Reveals Giant Remote Control
Sarcastic Baseball Commentator Confuses Fans
Ron Artest Eagerly Awaits First NBA Championship Riot
Michael Vick Conditionally Reinstated By NFL
Home Run Derby Not Nearly As Much Fun Without The Steroids
LeBron James Refuses To Shake Hands With Brother-In-Law; Leads To Awkward 4th Of July BBQ
Jim Leyritz To Cops 'Remember That Dinger I Hit?'
Rafer Alston – Vows to Slap Heads In The Offseason
Calipari Tells School Administration Not To Count Any Of His Future Wins As Permanent
U.S. Sailing Team To Swiss: “It’s okay to cheat. We’re Americans”
Local
Man Questions Own Morality After Violating Five Second Rule
Crazy Man on Street Not Ranting About God
Local Band to Write Song About a Girl
Erection Successfully Hidden During Walk To Front Of Classroom
Japanese Kid Not That Good At Nintendo
Woman’s Head Found, Attached To Body
Man Betrays Bumper Sticker, Forgets 9/11
Man Makes First Ever Donation With Coinstar
Local Man Buys Teens Beer, Overstays Welcome
Death of Celebrity Icons, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, Not Overshadowed By Lesser-Known Farmer
Netflix User Rates Movie Five Stars Months Before Its Release
Child Beauty Queen May Lose Crown Over Racy Baby Photos
Cancer Patient Defies Doctor's Odds - Dies Two Months Before Due Date
Entertainment
Kevin Smith Forced to Purchase Two Tickets to Academy Awards Due to Obesity Concerns
Ted Nugent Promotes Additions to Hunter’s Safety Orange
Palin Dispatched to Switzerland; Polanski On Edge
Taylor Swift Exacts Revenge on West
Jackson Family Begins Legal Battle for Control of Walter Cronkite’s Estate
Pope Gives Harry Potter Movie Two Papal Thumbs Up
Autopsy Reveals Michael Jackson Hung Like a Moose; Coroner stunned by ‘Jackson 12’
Spector's Prison Demands Include 8-Channel Mixing Board - Refers To Guard Dogs As 'Wall Of Hounds'
Study Finds Dakota Fanning Isn’t Playing Her Role In Recession
Transformers Sequel Gets All Emo On Us
War on Terror Expanded to Include Horror; Eli Roth Arrested
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