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7:28:21 AM Thu, March 11th 2010
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Kevin Smith Forced to Purchase Two Tickets to Academy Awards Due to Obesity Concerns
Los Angeles – Film director Kevin Smith has been asked to either leave Hollywood or lose weight for the comfort and safety of his colleagues, Variety reported, mere days before the 82nd annual Academy Awards broadcast. The director reacted angrily, tweeting, “They should have more respect for me. I directed a pretty good movie, uh, twenty years ago.”
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Kanye West, "I Guess God Hates Poor, Black People, Especially Ones That Try An' Los Angeles - As the world stumbles to come to the aid of earthquake victims in Haiti, the poorest island nation in the western hemisphere, self-proclaimed music prodigy Kanye West ... Read more... |
God Schedules Next Humanitarian Crisis for Week of Academy Awards Heaven – The Almighty issued a press release today revealing His next inexplicable human tragedy would occur a few days prior to this year’s Oscar telecast to take advantage of ... Read more... |
Ted Nugent Promotes Additions to Hunter’s Safety Orange Waco, Texas - A group of disaffected hunters led by legendary rock star and renowned animal slayer Ted Nugent are urging officials to allow sportsmen to add a little pizzazz ... Read more... |
Man Questions Own Morality After Violating Five Second Rule Reno, Nevada - A local man is finding it extremely difficult to live with himself lately, after willingly picking up some pizza toppings off the floor and eating them even ... Read more... |
Joe Biden Sneaks Past Security, Crashes State Dinner WASHINGTON, D.C. – Much to the chagrin of the Secret Service, Vice President Joe Biden breached a security checkpoint and attended the administration’s first official State dinner at the White ... Read more... |
Black Eyed Peas Song Single-Handedly Fixes Economy Washington, D.C. - I got a feeling…that the recession is over. In June of 2009, Congress passed a controversial bill allowing the Black Eyed Peas to dominate the pop charts ... Read more... |
Crazy Man on Street Not Ranting About God A city is in shock today after an investigation uncovered that the crazy man on the corner bellowing at drivers who have ignored him for years has actually not been ... Read more... |
Local Band to Write Song About a Girl Spokane, WA – Little known Spokane rock band, Menocide, promises to break new musical ground immediately as members prepare to embark on writing and composing an original song about ... Read more... |
Hockey Player’s Tooth Loss Due to Love of Sweets, Not Brawls St. Paul, Minnesota – Duluth hockey player Brain Greenwood broke down in an interview Wednesday and admitted his toothless grin is the result of years of a... Read more... |
Terrorist Breaches iTunes End User License Agreement The link between weapons and music software may be a thin one, for most people, but a local Mac enthusiast sect of the Al Qaeda have done the impossible, by ... Read more... |
Six Year-Old Crawls Inside Meghan McCain, Floats Away The nation was transfixed yesterday when Meghan McCain came untethered and floated into the atmosphere with what many believed was a six year-old boy huddled in the crawlspace between her ... Read more... |
Erection Successfully Hidden During Walk To Front Of Classroom Baton Rouge, LA -14-year-old Billy McDonald avoided every teenager’s worst nightmare Thursday as his boner went completely unnoticed when called to the front of his Civics class to deliver a ... Read more... |
It’s been 25 years and 8 months since I last reached out to my brothers in the military. I hope they have not forgotten about me. I have been in a Vietnamese prison camp being held captive since the Vietnam War. Let me just tell you that word has gotten back to me in the jungle, here in my cage, that they are considering repealing the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding homosexuals in the U.S. Army. I for one am completely against this idea. I voice my disgust from the watery bamboo cage that has been my home all these years, and if this news is true, you can give up the search. I’m staying here.
